Dropped

Not long after writing yesterday's blog, I had a recollection.  I was not the only confidant for my "troubled friend."  There were 2 of us.  I vaguely know the other, but have a lot of respect for him.
I found his contact information, and we agreed to meet for a coffee to discuss "the situation."
We talked for around 3 hours, and I got a lot of insight into everything.  While it didn't fix the issue, it enabled me to get myself to a better place.  Not only am I a lot more comfortable with how things are and will likely evolve, I am emotionally in a better position to support my friend.

So unexpectedly cathartic and therapeutic, it was one of the best days in recent memory.

Pressure Drop

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about being particularly angry.

It’s been nearly a month since something very bad happened to someone close to me.  I had to promise not to say anything to anyone.  And I won’t.  I can’t even tell Wife.  And other than by listening and being supportive, I can’t help “the situation.”  Right now “the situation” seems to be in a holding pattern, but might get slightly better in a month or so.  I’m hoping.  Until then, I’m ready to sacrifice my own sanity for my friend.  It’s what a friend does.  I do believe it will work out for the better, and that by holding my stress in, we will produce the best result.

It’s starting to get to me.  I’ve been pretty stressed out, and have had to ask Wife a couple of times to be patient with me.  She suggested I talk to a therapist.  Unfortunately, I don’t think it will work.  The time and effort it would take to find a suitable counselor would be significant, as would getting to know and trust the therapist.  I’m hoping that “the situation” will get better earlier than I’d find someone to talk to.  And to be honest, I'm not really desperate enough to talk to a stranger about it.

Yesterday morning the pressure was pretty bad.  It might have been partially brought up by Wife and I discussing my options, but that’s only part of it.  It’s been a steady undercurrent since I was brought into it.  Yesterday was surprising though, I was tempted to start “cutting” again.  It’s not really an apt description, but seems to be the common term.  As a teenager, I was “a cutter.”  Like the valve on your cars radiator, opening myself seemed to relieve the built-up pressure, dropping it to a manageable level.  For whatever reason, I wasn’t a razor-blade guy.  I preferred to run a sewing needle along my skin, digging in to create a groove.  Then I would simply excavate, like a human Panama Canal.  Usually with a sewing needle, but I think I still have a knife somewhere for when the needle wasn’t big enough.  I remember the slow ripping, tearing sound the needle would make.  After a while, the pressure would dissipate, I wash away the blood, and return to my usual pleasant demeanor.  There was likely an adrenaline rush that helped too.  It’s probably been at least a decade since I’ve had this urge, really it’s been that long since I’ve thought about it at all.  And I’ve never before been able to explain the relief as well as I did typing this.  It makes me wonder if this time I’m making a decision, as opposed to the old times being more impulse-driven.

I have quite a few scars from this habit, mostly covered by tattoos at this point.  The tattoos take away attention from the scars, as well as create a cover that I’m not likely to damage for the sake of pressure release.  I didn’t cut yesterday.  Partially because I know Wife wouldn’t understand and would get pretty upset.  Instead I managed to just keep myself busy until I was leaving to meet friends.  By then, it wasn’t an option.

I wonder if simply getting another tattoo might help?  Then again, that would just add the stress of a few hundred dollars that I can’t afford to spend…

Hopefully Climbing From The Mire

I work for Rob Ford.  Pretty much.

I don’t actually work for the City of Toronto, I work for a large corporation.  However, my supervisor is Ford’s doppelganger.  He looks like him, walks like him, talks like him, thinks like him… He’s a complete piece of shit.  He stabs his staff in the back, lies to us about opportunities, and lies to other people about our performance to keep us from moving up (but always without the proof that Human Resources would need).

I’ve been working for him for 7 years, and have known him for over a decade.

Yesterday he surprised me by offering me a new set of responsibilities.  It may actually be a new job with a new title and pay grade, it may be the same title and pay with different tasks.  The surprise was because I had set up the meeting to justify why I should be moved from my current area to a new, challenging (and possibly fulfilling) one.  The same one that he told me he wanted me to take! 

The meeting started really well, and his mannerisms almost had me forget that he’s a 2-faced, egocentric prick that sells out his staff.  Then he lied to me (without knowing that I’m aware of the truth) and I was pulled back into reality before possibly saying something that I would regret.

Hopefully this won’t fall through, and in a week or two I will be on my way to something slightly better.  Still working for the complete piece of shit, however only knee-deep in it instead of the current waist-deep.

Consider Yourselves Punished

I'm in a grumpy mood today, and don't know why.

So i'm not going to write for you like some trained, literate, monkey.

No blogging today. 


World, consider yourself punished for making me cranky.

Hate Those That Pay Your Way

In Ontario, the Catholic School System is trying to avoid hosting any “anti-homophobia” clubs.  I understand their disapproval, their doctrine states that it’s a sin and should not be promoted.

In Ontario, the Catholic School System is publicly funded.  Yes, my atheist ass pays taxes that are passed on to pay for mis-education and brainwashing that not only opposes my beliefs but opposes ME.  I don’t know why this religious system is funded by the Ontario residents, but assume it has something to do with a past politician trying to secure a sectarian system without threatening a large portion of the populace.  Less than half, but still a big chunk of the voters.  According to the Toronto Star today, a poll by Forum Research Inc. found that 48% of Ontario residents believe we shouldn’t fund Catholic Schools, while 43% believe we should.

I’m not saying that we should revoke funding.  Yet.  A 48:43 ratio is too close to go through the process of reconstructing or deconstructing a huge provincial school system.  Perhaps when we get a 66% or 75% rating that might be brought up.

Having said that, the Catholic School System is publicly funded.  This implies that it should follow the morals of the public.  Views have changed in the last 2000- I mean 20- years.  Canadian society doesn’t oppose homosexuality like it once did.  The violence and hate that is propagated by the “religious right” has been going on for generations, and stopping it can only be achieved by proper education.  I’ve seen it first-hand.  I don’t think I was ever bullied for my sexuality.  I was bullied, but I think it was the regular “I’m bigger and dumber than you and I need to boost my self-esteem” type.  However I had a friend in high school that was beaten to death for being gay.  Friends have been gay-bashed.  Friends have had guns put to their heads.  Teenagers around the world are killing themselves because of the very real fear that they’ll be shunned or hated.  When I was training for my volunteer position with the Lesbian Gay Bi Youth Line a decade ago, I remember being told that most teen suicides are sexuality related.

And this all stems from a lack of acceptance.  This lack of acceptance stems from mis-education and brainwashing.  This mis-education and brainwashing is not all because of the Catholic School System, but it holds some of the blame.  And as a publicly-funded system, it cannot continue to turn our populace against itself.

For now, they need to drop the “anti-“ doctrine, perhaps focusing on the positive sides of the religion.  Perhaps focus on the “do unto others” side, the “love thy neighbor” teachings in the bible.  Until we can remove this school system completely from my list of bills to pay, that is…

The Past And The Future

The weekend was pretty low-key.

Saturday was spent visiting with the in-laws.  At least 25 of them, I think.  They’re a lovely family, but it was a long and tiring day.

Sunday I finally finished the basement, and managed to clean the house for the first time in a few weeks.

The only really notable thing that happened is that Wife and I booked a holiday for our 2^nd Anniversary this September.  We’re going to New York City for 5 days!  Broadway shows (on-and off- probably), MoMA, Guggenheim… that’s what Wife wants to do.  I’m happy just to people-watch.  I’ve been there a couple of times before, but always for work.  There was never much time for touristy stuff.  I remember wandering the streets of Chelsea in the middle of the night, loving the sound, energy, and freaks that surrounded me.  Wife has never been to NY.  I’m looking forward to it again, along with Broadway shows, the MoMA, Guggenheim, etc.  Our only pre-plan is to try to get tickets to The Book Of Mormon for our actual anniversary evening.

It’s months away, but we’re pretty excited.

Fury Plus.

I’m angry.  No, I’m not angry.  I’m more than that.  I don't know what I am, 'furious' doesn’t even come close.

Two weeks ago a friend confided in me.  It was about something so awful that it took a while to comprehend.  I can’t talk to anyone about it, even Wife.  That's a promise I won't break.  Secrecy.

My closest friends have a higher value than my biological family.  I would kill or die for them.  So to be in this position where all I can do is listen and be emotional support is incredibly frustrating.  I can’t resolve the situation.  I can’t fix it.  I can’t protect those I value.  I feel helpless, and it’s adding to the feelings about the issue itself.

I’m not constantly brooding on the problem – sailing and working in my basement are distractions.  But any other time it’s there lurking…  It's starting to wear me down, but I can't think of what to do other than just eat it and wait for it to either implode or erode.