Day 2

Day 2.

(i wrote this yesterday, but couldn't post)


Yesterday was better.
In an effort to feel better, I’m trying to not make negative comments or jokes. I’m a pessimist with a sense of “gallows humour,” so this is new for me. But for most of the day, I behaved.
My basement studio has had a sewage backup 3 times this year, and Wife and I are planning to move soon. Until then, my studio is mostly dismantled. Last night I spent a couple of hours moving the equipment away from the “danger zone” but tried to set it up in a quasi-usable configuration. I can’t mix my current projects properly in this state, but I can probably get 80% there.
I hope a new townhouse opens up in the co-op soon, I don’t really want to leave the neighbourhood. But I can’t live with the constant fear of coming down the stairs and discovering a pool of sewage on the floor again. Not to mention the damage of any more equipment… The house just isn’t ‘home’ anymore, and that’s something I need in my life.

One vent:
Last month, Wife and I suggested that my father and siblings come to Toronto for Christmas this year. For the last 15-20 years, I’ve been renting a car and heading to BFNowhere for the holidays. It’s time to return the favour… They agreed, so Wife and I bought theatre tickets for my sisters for that weekend – a gift they’ll LOVE.
So I was quite annoyed yesterday when I got an email saying that my father had changed his mind and they won’t be coming after all. I’m pretty pissed off. I haven’t phoned him to discuss yet, I’m waiting until I’m in a more conciliatory mood. Right now I just want to yell at him for being selfish. I can’t think of a single reason for him to change plans, I’m guessing he got a “better offer” from his church. And that’s not a good enough reason to ditch your family for Christmas.
This leads to further resentment. I was a “problem” teenager. I got into a lot of trouble, had issues with authority, etc… And I’ve spent the last two decades trying to be a good son. I’ve also realized that I still have the same views and attitude now that I had then. I wasn’t wrong. But all of my effort to please my family has gone unappreciated. And I’m done with that. I haven’t visited them since an awful visit last New Years, which showed the lack of value they feel I give. So I’m not giving any more. My family really is Wife, and the great circle of friends that I have earned.

Dark Place - Returning Once More

This morning I stood at the intersection, waiting to cross. A dump truck flew past, missing my face by less than a foot. Whoah, that was close! Then again, what if he’d hit me?
I wouldn’t have to go to work today. Or ever again. I wouldn’t have to endure the upcoming winter, already so cold that my eyes feel like someone has pressed them back into my skull.
And that’s where I’m at these days.

Wife suggested that I start writing again, but this time to battle the unhappiness I have. To try to work out how to enjoy my life.

The basics? I’m nearly 40. I get up in the morning, and head to work. At work, I spend 8 hours of my day with complete morons and religious right-wing fools. Then I head home, and wait for bedtime, so I can sleep for a few hours before getting up and doing it all again. By the time the weekend arrives, I’m exhausted and just want to relax and lounge for 2 days. I have no energy. Anything else that comes into my schedule is an intrusion, adding more to my day. I have Eddie Izzard tickets for Saturday night, and I’m thinking of skipping it. I’m sure I’ll go, but HOPE that it’s worth the cold trek to Massey Hall, and the crowds.

In the summer, I’m outside as much as possible. Sailing, for the most part. This summer I couldn’t do much of that due to my broken elbow. It healed just enough for me to enjoy the last sail of the year. In the winter, I really feel the cold. It hurts. Really, I don’t know anyone else that has described it this way, but it’s PAINFUL! So I stay indoors as much as I can. My only winter pastime is music, and unfortunately that’s not something you can fake. If you’re uninspired (as I am), it doesn’t work. I have no other hobbies. I’ve looked, and the couple of interesting suggestions are unavailable in downtown Toronto.

Money? I have none. I’m drowning in debt for some reason, but can’t figure out why. I’m struggling to stick to a budget, but am encountering obstacles every day. So I can’t afford to pay for any sort of pastime, if I found one I’d be interested in.


So that’s my life these days: Struggling through a loathsome day, to wait for the next loathsome day. To pay down my bills. Maybe in a couple of years, I will have the financial ability to do something I enjoy. But that’s a long time away.

Or maybe I’ll get hit by a dump truck and not have to deal with it anymore.

Double-Handed

Hey, whaddya know?  Suddenly this morning I can type with both hands!
My 1st physiotherapist visit last week went really well, focussing on improving the range of movement in my arm and getting some strength back.  Four days later, and my hand is 1/2 the size it was, and i'm no longer totally gimpy.  I'm going to have to try not to push it too hard, but I think typing is within the range/tension window my treatment is planned for.


And what a day for a new blog post.  I turned on my PC this morning, and saw this news story about a woman in Dubai who was raped and then charged with "having sex outside marriage."

I'm all for religious freedom.  I personally don't believe in a higher power, I'm not spiritual.  I'm an evolutionist, and don't really care enough about faith to investigate the opinions that, as unlikely as I think, could actually be true.  My opinion is just as valid as a believer's.

Having said that, when religion shapes law so strictly that no common sense can be allowed, something has to change.  How on earth should that poor woman have had to endure this violation, and then be punished when she notified the police???  There's something seriously wrong, evident from the fact that it went as far as it did.
You want to outlaw consentual sex outside of marriage, in a country with a fundamental religious link to the state?  That's fair, I guess.  I don't agree with it, but I'm not forced to live there or follow these rules.  I can live in a place that fits MY values (current local and federal governments aside).  There is certainly a valid arguement to force separation of church and state, however I don't want to devote the time to that today.  Basically, it's YOUR country and if you want to have religious laws, and this is in line with your national values, so be it.  But when someone is forced to "commit this crime,"  especially a crime that is only really victimizing the perpetrator, how on earth can she be assigned the blame?

It makes me want to put the UAE on my list of no-go locations, just to protest the only way I can!

Forced Haitus

I’m still alive.

Last Friday I had a bike accident.  Because of a set of slippery streetcar tracks i broke my elbow, mashed up my hand, and hit my head hard enough to cause a seizure.

I’ll be fine, but for now I’m in constant pain.  And typing 1-handed takes FOREVER.  I just don’t have time to write.

Redeux!

Yesterday morning I biked to work.  Seeing a friend as I walked to the door, I stopped to chat for a few minutes.

The world suddenly went flippy, and I had to sit down for a few minutes.  As I sat, my body exploded with sweat.

When I felt better (but still a little shaky), I went up to my office.  Dropping my bag and coffee off, I went to the bathroom to splash some water on my face.  Looking in the mirror, my skin was a pasty white/green palour.  After a couple of minutes of holding cold wet paper towels to my head, I knew what was coming and not to fight it.

I sat down and passed out.  Waking a couple of minutes later I knew that I’d just had another seizure.  The first since November, the second since 2008.

I staggered back to my desk and sat for about 45 minutes while I regained enough strength to take a cab home, where I slept the day and night away.

Today I’m back to my lovely chipper self.  Just a slight hiccup in a life of hiccups…

Cycle

I did it.  I bought a new bike, and hopefully will end the frustration related to what should be a simple mode of transportation.

Last year I bought a used bike from a friend.  We discussed what I wanted, and worked out a price of $250-300.  When he pieced it together, he handed it over asking for $360.  Due to his financial issues at the time, I paid without complaint.  $60 is nothing for me, but significant for him.

I then spent about $100 getting it to the state that it should have been purchased in.

Then I spent another $100 for random bits and pieces necessary (helmet, lights, etc).

Since then I’ve had the brake cable fray, the chain was too big and damaged the cassette requiring both be replaced.  With the spring check-up, this was around $125.

The bold holding the seat to the seat post sheared one day.  That cost around $40 for a new post and bracket, and also a lot of fear when the seat wiggled between my thighs and fell off on a bumpy road.  Those few seat-less seconds were terrifying, worried about what body parts it would damage.

In 7 months of riding, I’ve also popped 5 inner tubes.  Not a lot of cost, but it always happened when I had something planned that had to be cancelled to deal with the f’ing bike.

All in, with a few other minor issues, I estimate that it’s cost me around $850 for 7 months of inner-city biking.

On Saturday, I bought a brand new bike from a reputable shop.  With taxes it came to $580.  It has a 5-year warranty on the frame, 2-year warranty on parts, 2 years of tune-ups, and the shop is around the corner from my house.  It rides a lot better than the old one, and gives me much more confidence in it’s reliability.  I ride around 150km per week, over 6 days.  I'm pretty busy, and don't have time for the related failures of an old piece of s**t.

I big chunk of change to blow, but I’m looking at it as an investment.

Strike Fail

For the last month or so, there has been a strike by the Elevator Repair Contractors (or whatever they’re calling themselves).

At first the strike annoyed me.  I haven’t been able to discern what they’re actually striking for, and they’re picketing in front of my office.  They are blocking traffic, both pedestrian and auto, and causing issues with the shipping aspects of my job.

In general, a pain in the ass.

It’s been at least a month, and I’ve just realized 2 things:

1.       The elevators are working perfectly.

2.       In most high-rises, the elevator cars are double-decker.  To get to my odd-numbered floor, I have to go down to the concourse to get a car that will stop at my floor.  The ground floor car will NOT get me to my office.  Since the strike started the building has removed this feature.  The ground floor car will now stop at all floors, not just the even-numbered ones.  This means that I don’t have to go downstairs to go upstairs.  I like this.

So guys – Keep up the strike!

Although I have to say, the danger of a strike is that the populace appreciates your not working.  So yeah, ummm, good luck.