Day 2.
(i wrote this yesterday, but couldn't post)
Yesterday was better.
In an effort to feel better, I’m trying to not make negative comments or jokes. I’m a pessimist with a sense of “gallows humour,” so this is new for me. But for most of the day, I behaved.
My basement studio has had a sewage backup 3 times this year, and Wife and I are planning to move soon. Until then, my studio is mostly dismantled. Last night I spent a couple of hours moving the equipment away from the “danger zone” but tried to set it up in a quasi-usable configuration. I can’t mix my current projects properly in this state, but I can probably get 80% there.
I hope a new townhouse opens up in the co-op soon, I don’t really want to leave the neighbourhood. But I can’t live with the constant fear of coming down the stairs and discovering a pool of sewage on the floor again. Not to mention the damage of any more equipment… The house just isn’t ‘home’ anymore, and that’s something I need in my life.
One vent:
Last month, Wife and I suggested that my father and siblings come to Toronto for Christmas this year. For the last 15-20 years, I’ve been renting a car and heading to BFNowhere for the holidays. It’s time to return the favour… They agreed, so Wife and I bought theatre tickets for my sisters for that weekend – a gift they’ll LOVE.
So I was quite annoyed yesterday when I got an email saying that my father had changed his mind and they won’t be coming after all. I’m pretty pissed off. I haven’t phoned him to discuss yet, I’m waiting until I’m in a more conciliatory mood. Right now I just want to yell at him for being selfish. I can’t think of a single reason for him to change plans, I’m guessing he got a “better offer” from his church. And that’s not a good enough reason to ditch your family for Christmas.
This leads to further resentment. I was a “problem” teenager. I got into a lot of trouble, had issues with authority, etc… And I’ve spent the last two decades trying to be a good son. I’ve also realized that I still have the same views and attitude now that I had then. I wasn’t wrong. But all of my effort to please my family has gone unappreciated. And I’m done with that. I haven’t visited them since an awful visit last New Years, which showed the lack of value they feel I give. So I’m not giving any more. My family really is Wife, and the great circle of friends that I have earned.
Wow!! You're going through some heady stuff!
ReplyDeleteNot to sound likes granola muncher, but maybe get some vitamins in you. Us poor Canucks suffer so much from lack of sunshine and that shirt can make you miserable. I agree with your wife that it's good to write about it.
Sewage?! What's causing it to back up?! That's mental!
The whole family thing? That was the greatest source of anxiety in my life until I walked away from them. Family is important but not if they make you want to tear your own face off. Extend the invitation but try to limit and manage your expectations. Decide in your heart that no matter what, you're going to have a Christmas at home with family, whether blood family of chosen family, doesn't matter. If they choose to join you, bonus. If they don't, fuck 'em, you're doing your thing.
Sending you a big hug!
Thanks HiH. Wife is encouraging me to take vitamins, and when I remember I do.
ReplyDeleteAs for the family thing, I meant to phone this weekend but kept getting distracted. I'm not as angry now, so hopefully i'll remember to do it tonight.