(i wrote this yesterday, but couldn't post)
Yesterday was better.
In an effort to feel better, I’m trying to not make negative comments or jokes. I’m a pessimist with a sense of “gallows humour,” so this is new for me. But for most of the day, I behaved.
My basement studio has had a sewage backup 3 times this year, and Wife and I are planning to move soon. Until then, my studio is mostly dismantled. Last night I spent a couple of hours moving the equipment away from the “danger zone” but tried to set it up in a quasi-usable configuration. I can’t mix my current projects properly in this state, but I can probably get 80% there.
I hope a new townhouse opens up in the co-op soon, I don’t really want to leave the neighbourhood. But I can’t live with the constant fear of coming down the stairs and discovering a pool of sewage on the floor again. Not to mention the damage of any more equipment… The house just isn’t ‘home’ anymore, and that’s something I need in my life.
Last month, Wife and I suggested that my father and siblings come to Toronto for Christmas this year. For the last 15-20 years, I’ve been renting a car and heading to BFNowhere for the holidays. It’s time to return the favour… They agreed, so Wife and I bought theatre tickets for my sisters for that weekend – a gift they’ll LOVE.
So I was quite annoyed yesterday when I got an email saying that my father had changed his mind and they won’t be coming after all. I’m pretty pissed off. I haven’t phoned him to discuss yet, I’m waiting until I’m in a more conciliatory mood. Right now I just want to yell at him for being selfish. I can’t think of a single reason for him to change plans, I’m guessing he got a “better offer” from his church. And that’s not a good enough reason to ditch your family for Christmas.
This leads to further resentment. I was a “problem” teenager. I got into a lot of trouble, had issues with authority, etc… And I’ve spent the last two decades trying to be a good son. I’ve also realized that I still have the same views and attitude now that I had then. I wasn’t wrong. But all of my effort to please my family has gone unappreciated. And I’m done with that. I haven’t visited them since an awful visit last New Years, which showed the lack of value they feel I give. So I’m not giving any more. My family really is Wife, and the great circle of friends that I have earned.