Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Dark Place - Returning Once More

This morning I stood at the intersection, waiting to cross. A dump truck flew past, missing my face by less than a foot. Whoah, that was close! Then again, what if he’d hit me?
I wouldn’t have to go to work today. Or ever again. I wouldn’t have to endure the upcoming winter, already so cold that my eyes feel like someone has pressed them back into my skull.
And that’s where I’m at these days.

Wife suggested that I start writing again, but this time to battle the unhappiness I have. To try to work out how to enjoy my life.

The basics? I’m nearly 40. I get up in the morning, and head to work. At work, I spend 8 hours of my day with complete morons and religious right-wing fools. Then I head home, and wait for bedtime, so I can sleep for a few hours before getting up and doing it all again. By the time the weekend arrives, I’m exhausted and just want to relax and lounge for 2 days. I have no energy. Anything else that comes into my schedule is an intrusion, adding more to my day. I have Eddie Izzard tickets for Saturday night, and I’m thinking of skipping it. I’m sure I’ll go, but HOPE that it’s worth the cold trek to Massey Hall, and the crowds.

In the summer, I’m outside as much as possible. Sailing, for the most part. This summer I couldn’t do much of that due to my broken elbow. It healed just enough for me to enjoy the last sail of the year. In the winter, I really feel the cold. It hurts. Really, I don’t know anyone else that has described it this way, but it’s PAINFUL! So I stay indoors as much as I can. My only winter pastime is music, and unfortunately that’s not something you can fake. If you’re uninspired (as I am), it doesn’t work. I have no other hobbies. I’ve looked, and the couple of interesting suggestions are unavailable in downtown Toronto.

Money? I have none. I’m drowning in debt for some reason, but can’t figure out why. I’m struggling to stick to a budget, but am encountering obstacles every day. So I can’t afford to pay for any sort of pastime, if I found one I’d be interested in.

So that’s my life these days: Struggling through a loathsome day, to wait for the next loathsome day. To pay down my bills. Maybe in a couple of years, I will have the financial ability to do something I enjoy. But that’s a long time away.

Or maybe I’ll get hit by a dump truck and not have to deal with it anymore.

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