Monday, January 6, 2014

It's Back

It's been a tough month.
Christmas with my family was a nightmare. Just fucking ridiculous. When they finally left, i was actually shell-shocked: walking home in the freezing rain, no hat, jacket open, revelling in the silence and calm (of downtown Toronto).
Then, 2 quiet days before weekend with the inlaws. They're nice, but it still wasn't relaxing.

Finally, this past weekend I had a chance to relax. So i thought... Instead, I realized that I can't mix the 2 albums we have recorded as my studio is still in disrepair. This is due to the septic issues last summer as well as it just being a concrete structure. I have to find the cash and know-how to fix the issues before I can progress.
Plus, cabin fever is starting early this year. It's been a cold few months already, and i'm getting antsy. Thankfully there's a holiday in the tropics next month, if I can make it that long.

I'm just getting SO tired. This morning I was walking to work. I took a wrong turn and didn't realize it for 3 blocks. That's never happened to me before, and is quite worrisome.

I'm just back in my slump - working so fucking hard just to not be able to achieve the things i value.

Monday, December 9, 2013

It’s been a crazy few weeks, and I honestly haven’t had time to write. It’s unfortunate, because I think it’ll help my mood.

I’ve been really busy with work, and am pretty exhausted. It seems every Friday night I pass out on the couch at around 8 o’clock and sleep for 12 hours. Between that and Christmas parties, I haven’t had much time to be bored or depressed.
It’s hectic enough that I was at a dinner last night, and a friend asked if I’d been hit in the face. The bags under my eyes combined with the slight redness from a 4th glass of wine, and it looked like there was a bruise on my cheekbone! hahaha

I also found a winter hobby: Music! Shock and awe…. I’ve got 1 album recorded, and another 90% recorded. But I’m not particularly adept at mixing. A good song that’s mixed badly still sounds mediocre. I picked up Mixing Audio, by Roey Izhaki a few weeks ago. Each few pages is giving me an “ah-ha moment.” The kind where I want to rush down to my studio and tweak, not the kind where I want you to “Take On Me” in a half-animated world…
I'm pretty excited about my music again.

Anyway, I only had a few minutes to stop by and let you know that I’m alive. I am.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Day 3. Not counting weekends.

Okay, it’s Monday.
I don’t know if it’s the writing or just generally trying to be less negative and cynical, but I’m feeling pretty good.

It was a decent weekend overall.
On Saturday night Wife and I went to see Eddie Izzard at Massey Hall. Walking to the show (without Wife), I was approached by a strange woman that offered me $100 “for my company.” Interesting, but not interested. It gave me a good chuckle afterwards.
The show itself was incredibly poor. I’ve been an Izzard fan for over a decade, and was really looking forward to this night. I spent $180 months ago for 2 tickets.
He just wasn’t funny. He rambled for ages about unfunny topics such as moles digging underground, had no sense of timing, and forgot his place in the jokes more times than I could count. Around 40 minutes into his set, it was evident that he had lost the crowd. He seemed to try to regain us by telling the tried-and-true/ overused/ overfamiliar jokes to get some cheap laughs, but it didn’t really work. At the end of the show, Izzard announced that he would be having a Q&A session afterwards that we could stick around for. I was surprised when most of the audience got up and left before he came back on. What a disappointment. Everybody has bad nights, but at his level (and cost) he should be talented enough to win the crowd. I probably laughed for 10 of the 110-minute show. Midway through I was contemplating heading down to the basement bar to have a beer and wait for Wife to finish watching the set. As it was Wife and not just another friend, I stayed as company.
Dickeybird: Disappointed Ex-Eddie Izzard fan.

Sunday was good. I relaxed at home, before heading out to watch a movie with friends.

That’s it, now it’s Monday. Back to work, and working on plans to fill my evenings so I don’t get cabin fever this winter.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Day 2

Day 2.

(i wrote this yesterday, but couldn't post)

Yesterday was better.
In an effort to feel better, I’m trying to not make negative comments or jokes. I’m a pessimist with a sense of “gallows humour,” so this is new for me. But for most of the day, I behaved.
My basement studio has had a sewage backup 3 times this year, and Wife and I are planning to move soon. Until then, my studio is mostly dismantled. Last night I spent a couple of hours moving the equipment away from the “danger zone” but tried to set it up in a quasi-usable configuration. I can’t mix my current projects properly in this state, but I can probably get 80% there.
I hope a new townhouse opens up in the co-op soon, I don’t really want to leave the neighbourhood. But I can’t live with the constant fear of coming down the stairs and discovering a pool of sewage on the floor again. Not to mention the damage of any more equipment… The house just isn’t ‘home’ anymore, and that’s something I need in my life.

One vent:
Last month, Wife and I suggested that my father and siblings come to Toronto for Christmas this year. For the last 15-20 years, I’ve been renting a car and heading to BFNowhere for the holidays. It’s time to return the favour… They agreed, so Wife and I bought theatre tickets for my sisters for that weekend – a gift they’ll LOVE.
So I was quite annoyed yesterday when I got an email saying that my father had changed his mind and they won’t be coming after all. I’m pretty pissed off. I haven’t phoned him to discuss yet, I’m waiting until I’m in a more conciliatory mood. Right now I just want to yell at him for being selfish. I can’t think of a single reason for him to change plans, I’m guessing he got a “better offer” from his church. And that’s not a good enough reason to ditch your family for Christmas.
This leads to further resentment. I was a “problem” teenager. I got into a lot of trouble, had issues with authority, etc… And I’ve spent the last two decades trying to be a good son. I’ve also realized that I still have the same views and attitude now that I had then. I wasn’t wrong. But all of my effort to please my family has gone unappreciated. And I’m done with that. I haven’t visited them since an awful visit last New Years, which showed the lack of value they feel I give. So I’m not giving any more. My family really is Wife, and the great circle of friends that I have earned.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Dark Place - Returning Once More

This morning I stood at the intersection, waiting to cross. A dump truck flew past, missing my face by less than a foot. Whoah, that was close! Then again, what if he’d hit me?
I wouldn’t have to go to work today. Or ever again. I wouldn’t have to endure the upcoming winter, already so cold that my eyes feel like someone has pressed them back into my skull.
And that’s where I’m at these days.

Wife suggested that I start writing again, but this time to battle the unhappiness I have. To try to work out how to enjoy my life.

The basics? I’m nearly 40. I get up in the morning, and head to work. At work, I spend 8 hours of my day with complete morons and religious right-wing fools. Then I head home, and wait for bedtime, so I can sleep for a few hours before getting up and doing it all again. By the time the weekend arrives, I’m exhausted and just want to relax and lounge for 2 days. I have no energy. Anything else that comes into my schedule is an intrusion, adding more to my day. I have Eddie Izzard tickets for Saturday night, and I’m thinking of skipping it. I’m sure I’ll go, but HOPE that it’s worth the cold trek to Massey Hall, and the crowds.

In the summer, I’m outside as much as possible. Sailing, for the most part. This summer I couldn’t do much of that due to my broken elbow. It healed just enough for me to enjoy the last sail of the year. In the winter, I really feel the cold. It hurts. Really, I don’t know anyone else that has described it this way, but it’s PAINFUL! So I stay indoors as much as I can. My only winter pastime is music, and unfortunately that’s not something you can fake. If you’re uninspired (as I am), it doesn’t work. I have no other hobbies. I’ve looked, and the couple of interesting suggestions are unavailable in downtown Toronto.

Money? I have none. I’m drowning in debt for some reason, but can’t figure out why. I’m struggling to stick to a budget, but am encountering obstacles every day. So I can’t afford to pay for any sort of pastime, if I found one I’d be interested in.

So that’s my life these days: Struggling through a loathsome day, to wait for the next loathsome day. To pay down my bills. Maybe in a couple of years, I will have the financial ability to do something I enjoy. But that’s a long time away.

Or maybe I’ll get hit by a dump truck and not have to deal with it anymore.

Monday, July 22, 2013


Hey, whaddya know?  Suddenly this morning I can type with both hands!
My 1st physiotherapist visit last week went really well, focussing on improving the range of movement in my arm and getting some strength back.  Four days later, and my hand is 1/2 the size it was, and i'm no longer totally gimpy.  I'm going to have to try not to push it too hard, but I think typing is within the range/tension window my treatment is planned for.

And what a day for a new blog post.  I turned on my PC this morning, and saw this news story about a woman in Dubai who was raped and then charged with "having sex outside marriage."

I'm all for religious freedom.  I personally don't believe in a higher power, I'm not spiritual.  I'm an evolutionist, and don't really care enough about faith to investigate the opinions that, as unlikely as I think, could actually be true.  My opinion is just as valid as a believer's.

Having said that, when religion shapes law so strictly that no common sense can be allowed, something has to change.  How on earth should that poor woman have had to endure this violation, and then be punished when she notified the police???  There's something seriously wrong, evident from the fact that it went as far as it did.
You want to outlaw consentual sex outside of marriage, in a country with a fundamental religious link to the state?  That's fair, I guess.  I don't agree with it, but I'm not forced to live there or follow these rules.  I can live in a place that fits MY values (current local and federal governments aside).  There is certainly a valid arguement to force separation of church and state, however I don't want to devote the time to that today.  Basically, it's YOUR country and if you want to have religious laws, and this is in line with your national values, so be it.  But when someone is forced to "commit this crime,"  especially a crime that is only really victimizing the perpetrator, how on earth can she be assigned the blame?

It makes me want to put the UAE on my list of no-go locations, just to protest the only way I can!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Forced Haitus

I’m still alive.

Last Friday I had a bike accident.  Because of a set of slippery streetcar tracks i broke my elbow, mashed up my hand, and hit my head hard enough to cause a seizure.

I’ll be fine, but for now I’m in constant pain.  And typing 1-handed takes FOREVER.  I just don’t have time to write.