It's Back

It's been a tough month.
Christmas with my family was a nightmare. Just fucking ridiculous. When they finally left, i was actually shell-shocked: walking home in the freezing rain, no hat, jacket open, revelling in the silence and calm (of downtown Toronto).
Then, 2 quiet days before weekend with the inlaws. They're nice, but it still wasn't relaxing.

Finally, this past weekend I had a chance to relax. So i thought... Instead, I realized that I can't mix the 2 albums we have recorded as my studio is still in disrepair. This is due to the septic issues last summer as well as it just being a concrete structure. I have to find the cash and know-how to fix the issues before I can progress.
Plus, cabin fever is starting early this year. It's been a cold few months already, and i'm getting antsy. Thankfully there's a holiday in the tropics next month, if I can make it that long.

I'm just getting SO tired. This morning I was walking to work. I took a wrong turn and didn't realize it for 3 blocks. That's never happened to me before, and is quite worrisome.

I'm just back in my slump - working so fucking hard just to not be able to achieve the things i value.

Dark Place - Returning Once More

This morning I stood at the intersection, waiting to cross. A dump truck flew past, missing my face by less than a foot. Whoah, that was close! Then again, what if he’d hit me?
I wouldn’t have to go to work today. Or ever again. I wouldn’t have to endure the upcoming winter, already so cold that my eyes feel like someone has pressed them back into my skull.
And that’s where I’m at these days.

Wife suggested that I start writing again, but this time to battle the unhappiness I have. To try to work out how to enjoy my life.

The basics? I’m nearly 40. I get up in the morning, and head to work. At work, I spend 8 hours of my day with complete morons and religious right-wing fools. Then I head home, and wait for bedtime, so I can sleep for a few hours before getting up and doing it all again. By the time the weekend arrives, I’m exhausted and just want to relax and lounge for 2 days. I have no energy. Anything else that comes into my schedule is an intrusion, adding more to my day. I have Eddie Izzard tickets for Saturday night, and I’m thinking of skipping it. I’m sure I’ll go, but HOPE that it’s worth the cold trek to Massey Hall, and the crowds.

In the summer, I’m outside as much as possible. Sailing, for the most part. This summer I couldn’t do much of that due to my broken elbow. It healed just enough for me to enjoy the last sail of the year. In the winter, I really feel the cold. It hurts. Really, I don’t know anyone else that has described it this way, but it’s PAINFUL! So I stay indoors as much as I can. My only winter pastime is music, and unfortunately that’s not something you can fake. If you’re uninspired (as I am), it doesn’t work. I have no other hobbies. I’ve looked, and the couple of interesting suggestions are unavailable in downtown Toronto.

Money? I have none. I’m drowning in debt for some reason, but can’t figure out why. I’m struggling to stick to a budget, but am encountering obstacles every day. So I can’t afford to pay for any sort of pastime, if I found one I’d be interested in.


So that’s my life these days: Struggling through a loathsome day, to wait for the next loathsome day. To pay down my bills. Maybe in a couple of years, I will have the financial ability to do something I enjoy. But that’s a long time away.

Or maybe I’ll get hit by a dump truck and not have to deal with it anymore.

Shock And Horror

I’ve spent a couple of days reading the news about the kidnappers in Cleveland Ohio, and the 3 women they kept for over a decade.

I really just can’t comprehend the brutality of these guys, or living through what the women endured.  I actually feel a similar “stun” to what I did on September 11, 2001.

What would my reaction be if either side was part of my family?

What would my reaction be if either side were friends of mine?

What would my reaction be if either side were friends of neighbours?

There’s a mental block, I just can’t imagine.

I think that if I was one of the victims, I’d rather die than live through a decade of that.  How are they going to recover emotionally?

My sympathies go out to these poor girls, and I really hope that they exceed my expectations.

Unfortunately, this incomprehensible evil seems to be happening more and more often.  Prevention and punishment both need to be addressed, but damned if I know how…

Write Mess

How is it that I can think all day, talk all day, and constantly post around 1/5 of the amount that I’d like to?

I’m starting to get lethargic.  I get home from work around 5 or 5:30, and want to do absolutely nothing until I go to bed.  I usually just end up in front of the TV, but really I don’t even want to do that.  It’s not even that I don’t have stuff to do.  I’ve got a job interview to prep for – it’s a couple of weeks away but there’s some planning involved.  I’ve got a couple of books on leadership & management styles that I want to get through.  I’ve even got SAILING books that I’m not reading.

I think it’s partially due to the early sunset now. I’m getting into hibernation mode.

Health-wise I’m back up to nearly 100%. 

I’m not getting my drivers license back for the foreseeable future, but that’s not TOO bad.  We live downtown, don’t own a car, and we don’t have children.  We rent a car for a weekend every couple of months, but that’s about it.  I guess Wife will have to drive from now on.  I could get it back if I followed the regimen of medication, but my neurologist agrees with my not taking pills.  They double or triple suicidal tendencies (and I’m already a risky one), have other nasty side effects, and I’d have to take them for around 15 years to qualify.  Not at all worth a possible license renewal in my mid 50s.

I can still sail, I can still ride my bicycle, I can still be a chauffeur-driven passenger.  I’ll get by.

Seizure Aftermath

Monday morning.  God I hate these.

My shoulder and neck are still messed up.  My pain breakdown seems to be 30% dull ache, 30% gone, and 40% agony.  It really hasn’t been a pleasant ten days since my seizure.  My lip has healed, the bumps and bruises on my head have disappeared, and I can eat without much pain in my jaw.  Just the neck and shoulder whenever I move my head…

Wife made me an appoint with a masseuse on Saturday morning.  We were hoping that she could ease the muscle pain, as I’m positive that’s all the problem is.  $100 and 1 hour later, I felt exactly as I did before walking in.  Shit.

I told my boss that I’d had a seizure and wasn’t sleeping due to the neck pain.  She told me that she’d take it easy on me, understanding that I just can’t work properly when I’m exhausted and in pain.  It’s been a week now, and I think the sympathy is gone.  Impatience is all that’s left.  And wouldn’t you know it?  I have no sick days left for 2012.  I get 8 days per calendar year, and they don’t carry over to the next.  In the decade I’ve worked here, I’ve never used more than 3 or 4.  This time I’ve used them all.  I don’t get any leeway for past performance.  This means that I’m coming into work every day and doing a lackluster job, simply because I have to be here or I don’t get paid.

Later this afternoon, I have an appointment with a neurologist.  I assume we’ll be talking about meds I won’t take, and what will happen with my drivers license.  In the late 90s, it was suspended for a year because of these seizures.   My family doctor went to the MTO tribunal and recommended that I get it back.  He had known me for 20 years, and vouched for me, saying I’d get warning of the fits, pull the car over and yank out the keys.  He has now retired and I haven’t seen him in a decade.  He won’t be helping me this time.  It may not get suspended, as I only drive 5 or 6 times a year.  Chances of me having a rare seizure during the rare time I’m behind the wheel are extremely unlikely.  But he might not want to take the risk, and I can understand that.  Then, I might lose it for a year.  Or I might lose it permanently because of my 20-year history of idiopathic seizures and reluctance to medicate.  I tried meds before, and nearly committed suicide.  Apparently most anti-convulsants either double or triple the likelihood of this, and I don’t need the help!

I have no idea what happened to the last few days.  On Friday night I went to see the “Designing Bond” exhibit at the TIFF building.  Saturday was the massage, watching Seven Psychopaths with Wife, and going out to the pub with a friend.  Sunday I cleaned the squalor from the house in preparation for company last night.  The weekend flew by, and I feel like it’s Friday and I’m ready for a weekend.

Restart Again

It seems that whenever I plan to do things that I’ve been neglecting, other roadblocks arise.

Blogging, for example.  I have time to write, I have things to write about, but life keeps stopping me.  The same with going to the gym.  A few months ago I damaged my hand.  So I didn’t work out for a few weeks, it hurt too much.  The next time I went, I hit my head and got a mild concussion.  There was another month lost.  I had decided to try again this week.

Last Friday I had the mother(f**ker) of all seizures.  I’ve been having them for about 20 years, and the doctors can’t find the cause.  It’s not epilepsy, but that’s about all they can tell me.  There are certain triggers, like marijuana or strobe lights, so I avoid those.  But sometimes they happen for no apparent reason.  Either from age or better health, they’ve been rare in the last decade.  After enduring a few annually, I’ve probably had 2 or 3 in the last 10 years.  The last seizure was in December of 2008.

I had a really bad one during the night last Thursday.  I felt ill at around 2am so I went to the bathroom.  I remember being really dizzy and flushed, and wondering how I could possibly be drunk.  I’d had a couple of pints, but was definitely sober hours before going to bed.  I remember one of my cats frantically pawing at my head, apparently they can sense these things coming on.  I’d brush him away, but he kept climbing or jumping to touch my head.

The next memory I have is of Wife screaming.  I opened my eyes to see blood splattering from my face.  I was laying on the floor and I hurt.

Wife called 911, and the paramedics took me to the hospital for the night.  I had bruised a good portion of my head and face, some places were missing skin, and I had bitten into my upper lip pretty badly.  Also, the blood vessels in my eyelids had burst, and they were covered in tiny red spots.  I also put my head through the bathroom wall almost at floor-level.

At the hospital they took blood and gave me a CT scan.  All results were normal, so they sent me home after a few hours.

Right now there are only a couple of remaining issues.  My neck really hurts, I pulled the muscles there pretty badly.  Whenever I move my head, I’m in pain.  I’m having trouble sleeping because every time I move I scream and wake myself (and Wife) up.  My moustache hides the only skinned places that haven’t healed yet.

So I’m not going to the gym again for a couple of weeks, until I’m re-healed.

Frustrating.

Signing Off

My office sent out a memo a few days ago, banning the access of social media on business equipment.  It specifies blogs, Facebook, and Twitter.
Since I really only have time to blog while at work, the likelihood of this site being updated isn't hopeful.  I sometimes get the feeling that they're just looking for a reason to let me go, and don't want to give them the ammo.


For anyone that knows my real identity, look me up on Facebook - i'll at least be checking that AFTER work...

For the rest of you, this is probably Adios.

And as a goodbye, here's a song i'm currently fascinated with:

All Thumbs

My hand’s a bit sore.

I nearly had my thumb ripped off at the base last night.  I was undoing a line that was attached to one of the sails.  I’ve been taught that this is a dangerous move, but didn’t think of it at the time.  I stuck my hand into the mess of rope to untangle the mess, and as soon as I thought “oh, this is a bad idea” I felt the line tension around my thumb.  I instinctively yanked my hand away, and with milliseconds to spare.  A huge gust of wind came along (winds were 20km/h gusting to 50km/hr) and jerked the sail and ropes with tremendous pressure.

I wouldn’t have had time to consciously think of removing my hand from the danger zone.  I was just VERY lucky that I realized the danger right before it happened.

Complacency on a sailboat can be a very dangerous thing.  Wind and waves have much more power behind them than human beings can withstand, and we often forget that.  I got a hell of a wake-up call.

Fury Plus.

I’m angry.  No, I’m not angry.  I’m more than that.  I don't know what I am, 'furious' doesn’t even come close.

Two weeks ago a friend confided in me.  It was about something so awful that it took a while to comprehend.  I can’t talk to anyone about it, even Wife.  That's a promise I won't break.  Secrecy.

My closest friends have a higher value than my biological family.  I would kill or die for them.  So to be in this position where all I can do is listen and be emotional support is incredibly frustrating.  I can’t resolve the situation.  I can’t fix it.  I can’t protect those I value.  I feel helpless, and it’s adding to the feelings about the issue itself.

I’m not constantly brooding on the problem – sailing and working in my basement are distractions.  But any other time it’s there lurking…  It's starting to wear me down, but I can't think of what to do other than just eat it and wait for it to either implode or erode.

Mental Flactulence

Last week I was in a wine store.  They had a sign by the cashier that read “Blind Tasting.”  My mental image was of a line of blind people being licked and compared.  It took me a second or two to realize that it really meant tasting wines without knowing the brand.

The other day I was lurking through Facebook, and came across the name Jane Dickeybird*. 

Jane was a girl that I lived with from 2000 until 2002.  While I never proposed to her, I once bought her a diamond ring without realizing the connotation.  I think she was actually disappointed when I told her it wasn't an engagement ring.  She was nasty though, after we broke up I was told that she was horribly rude to most of my friends.  They were too polite to tell me at the time...

When I saw Jane’s name on Facebook, my first thought was “wait a minute – I didn’t marry her too, did I?  Nope, Evil Ex and Wife are the only 2 spouses I’ve had.  She’s not crazy enough to have changed her name is she?”  No she isn’t, or at least as far as I know.  Jane Dickeybird is a friend of a friend, and just happens to have the specific name that my ex-girlfriend would have if we had stayed together.

My brain seems to be going wonky.  I’m misunderstanding things that should be fairly straightforward.  I’m catching my follies pretty quickly, but I don’t think they’re supposed to happen like this.  Or maybe they do and most people just don’t verbalize it?

*name changed to protect the innocent, aka ME.  And I have a pretty rare surname.

Death And Cancer

Last night I dreamt that I was at a party full of old friends that I haven’t seen in 10-20 years.

While jamming out Buddy Holly’s ‘Not Fade Away’, my friend Earle walked up to the group.

“Holy shit, Earle, I thought you died!  I must have got you mixed up with another Earle ******* on Facebook.”  I was quite happy that I’d been wrong, thinking that he had died in a car crash a few years ago.

Then I woke up and remembered that Earle was dead.

I spent last evening at my friend’s house.  He’s having a tumour biopsied this afternoon, and is really scared.  He’s been through too much cancer treatment over the last couple of years, and a few months being “cancer free” were just getting him back on track.  It was great to see him, there were a few friends there.  He was laughing and smiling, but the occasional morbid half-joke showed us that it was weighing very heavily on his mind. 

I know simply being a friend will help his mindset, I just wish there was more I could do.


ps.  Did you know that in Ontario, having a tumour biopsied is considered ELECTIVE SURGERY and is scheduled 2-4 weeks in advance??? What a load of BS!

Quick Update

Last night I went to some friends’ house for dinner and drinks, while Wife was working.

It was only a 4-minute walk from our house, which was nice.  Still, I got a lot of funny looks when walking with a bottle of wine – I forgot to put it in a bag.  It was a good time, 2 bottles of wine, lots of gossip, and I chose my bike and worked out the features.  Hopefully I’ll have it early next week.

They also found a couple of tumors in my friend’s brain.  He’s having a biopsy tomorrow, but the oncologist is pretty optimistic.  I’m heading over there tonight, to keep them company.

Sorry for the short update – I’m trying to get back to doing this daily, 5 times a week, but things are a bit hectic at the moment.

STOP IT!

Again, I thought I was doing well dealing with the first Mother’s Day without one.

I slept in, and headed down to the waterfront for a 6-hour sail.

Unfortunately, I received a text from one of my closest friends.  His partner went through cancer treatment last year, and all seemed successful.  On Saturday, he was complaining of pain on one side of his body.  He went to the hospital, where they found “a mass” on the left side of his brain.  He’s meeting with a neurosurgeon as I write this.

I’m really scared, for both of them.  I saw (what they showed of) the troubles  they went through last year, and replaying that will be unbearable.

Without that, the last 3 days would have been one of the best weekends of the year.  As it was, it was one of the shittiest.

It’s Just Not Working Out

Last week I was really worn out.  I went to the gym once in the five workdays.

Monday I was busy and couldn’t make it.

Tuesday I had a last-minute lunch meeting.  I also had a fat beefy/beer dinner last night at a local pub with friends.

Today I’m going to a pub lunch with another old friend.

Thursday I have a lunch meeting.

Friday I may go to the gym.

I’m not doing myself any favours here – I had abs briefly, but I can already see the definition disappearing…

Missing, Assumed...?

For the last few days, Toronto’s top headline has been that 18-yearold Michelle Yu has disappeared.  Scary, and I would NOT want to be part of a family worrying about her.  She went to school on Thursday, and wasn’t around when she was supposed to be picked up that afternoon.

The immediate response from my coworkers was concern, especially those of Chinese heritage.  Some posted “have you seen her” pics on Facebook, and we all assumed she had been abducted.  Over the weekend, she apparently contacted her family and is safe in Vancouver.  That’s all that we’ve heard in the news so far.  But apparently she’s safe.

I was thinking – 20 years ago when I was her age, I think my first idea would have been that she had ran away.  When I was a few years younger than her, I tried it a couple of times.  Assuming she’s a late bloomer (parents take her to school, pick her up…), not ready to simply move out of the house, running away is still a likely option.  Instead, NOBODY seemed to think this was likely.  We all assumed the worst.

I know it’s better to react as if something bad has happened – this way if it’s true then the response could be serious enough to save her life.  But it’s unfortunate that we all seem to expect the worst now.  Anyway, I’m glad she seems to be safe.  The last thing this world needs is yet another psychopath taking someone away.

God, am I an old man looking back wistfully on the past?

Maintenance

Last night I got home from work at 5pm, ate a container of leftovers, and went to sleep. I woke up for an hour at around 10pm, then went to bed and slept until the alarm clock woke me up this morning. And I almost never sleep through the night…

I’m still exhausted from the last 2 months of frantically-paced life. I think I’ve had 2 days to relax in that time, and it’s wearing me down. I’ve managed to book a week off work, but May 21-25 is the first available time. I'm not going to do anything.  No work work, no housework, no nothing.  Hopefully my evenings and weekends can be emptied to tide me over until then, or I’m afraid I’ll have a stroke.

Today I feel good though. I’m awake, on my 2nd coffee (at 8:25am), and in a reasonable mood. I’m going to try to maintain that.

Falling Down

On February 13, I returned from 2 weeks in the Caribbean.
Four days later, my mother passed away. I spent the next 10 days dealing with family and funeral preparations.
The day after the funeral, I was back in Toronto. Preparing for a musical obligation that I’d made 6 months prior. True, the performances were a lot of fun. But the preparation took every spare hour and drained me of all my energy.
The day after the performances, and for some of the preceeding week, I was back to 12-16 hours per day packing, moving, and working in between. Yesterday I left the house at 7:15am, and came home at 11pm in time to make dinner and pass out exhausted. And this will go on until at least Sunday.

Looking back, I haven’t had more than 2 hours for myself since I was in the Virgin Islands. I think I’ve hit the wall, but can’t stop yet. The palms of my hands tingle, and I’ve lost some of the feeling in them. I’m eating Advil for breakfast daily. I feel like shit. Shit.

Next week I will sleep. Hopefully.

Oh, and have I mentioned? While I’m working this hard, my finances are spiraling out of control. I’m debating on giving up on sailing to get a part-time job. All that work for minimum wage (likely for pt) is something I don’t know if I can bring myself to do.

Stagefright For The Weekend

This should be an interesting weekend.
Tomorrow I have a couple of St.Paddy’s Day shows with a new band. They’ve been around for a while, but this will be the first time I’ve played with them. The first time I’ve played live in almost 9 years, I think! Except for my wedding, that is… I whipped out a cool guitar/vocal version of Unchained Melody for my bride, and the nerves from the wedding countered the nerves from the stagefright and I was fine for both.

I’m starting to get the jitters for tomorrow’s show. I’m getting anxious, but to be honest I’m liking the nervousness.

Then Sunday I’m tearing down my studio, and packing up all my instruments, for the move to the new house. I’m going to miss them for the next month or so. And then as soon as I get them set up, sailing season starts. So they’ll be neglected even longer... but that’s a whole other story.

Dirty Work for the Family

Well... I said I'd start writing this again, if at least for therapeutic reasons, so here goes.


Friday morning, I got up reluctantly (as usual).  Showered, shaved, and prepared for another 8 hours in the office.  I picked up my Blackberry, and noted that there had already been 2 phone calls this morning.  Notably, they were both from my family.
I listened to the first message, already knowing what was to come:  My dad's voice saying "mother... dead.  See ya."  He had a stroke and has a VERY limited vocabulary -the 'see ya', although strangely comical, wasn't intentional.
Wife and I quickly got ready and booked the train to my family's hometown.  Other than brief respite Sunday night back in Toronto, i've been in Hometown since then. 
Endless phone calls and drop-ins, while well-meaning, have led to a general state of exhaustion in the house. Surprisingly, most of the funeral and burial arrangements were made within 12 hours of her passing.  It's amazing how smoothly these things are set out.

Since then I've been spending most of my time finding and photoshopping a good photo of my mum, writing a speech, fielding phone calls from everyone in town, and searching for those long-lost family friends that may or may not still be alive or in Canada.

My family is dealing with it quite well for now.  Her illness debilitated her for around a year, so i think we had unconsciously prepared beforehand.

Anyway, my father is shouting for me to go with him to pick out the gravesite.  He knows I like shopping...

Family Man

I spent the past weekend visiting my family.
I arrived at their house around noon, and as soon as I got there my Dad and sisters rushed out for a few hours. At first I was annoyed, but then realized that they had been looking forward to an afternoon without having to babysit my mum. Then I realized my role for the weekend, grabbed a book and went upstairs to read beside her.

She occasionally asked me questions: "What is your girls name? Do you want to get married? Does SHE want to get married?" It was worthwhile being there, for her as well as me. It was nice to look up every once in a while and see her watching me and smiling. On the Sunday, my brother and I were both keeping her company. She was so excited, grinning and exclaiming "MY BOYS! MY BOYS ARE HERE!"

Also, my brother and father needed a break. One of them is always home with her, and they both valued being able to go out for a few hours without having to juggle their schedules or compromise. I need to visit more often, to take my share of the load. Besides, it's a good time to get some reading logged.

The visit also reminded me how important family is. My dad is showing more devotion and patience than I've ever seen. It's really endearing. And when OLK and I are old and decrepit, I hope we can show this level of support to each other. For all the time that spouses take each other for granted, or forget all the unseen acts of kindness, it's important to remember that you're there for each other.