Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Sociopath In The Making

Everyone complains about their job. But mine seems progressively worse and more disturbing.
I worry that I'm becoming something of a sociopath.

Last week, one of my coworkers died. I've known her for nearly a decade. And I really don't care. I wish I did, and it worries me that I don't, but to be completely honest, I don't.  I'm not going to her funeral because I don't feel like putting on a tie and blazer to sit in a church for an hour.
This morning, after having 2 arguments in my first half-hour of work, I fantasized about a plane ramming into my office floor. If everyone onsite right now disappeared, I have a feeling I'd be most upset about my personal effects.
I've also started mumbling racist epithets when people annoy me.  I don't believe in any sort of segregation or superiority, race has always been irrelevant to me.  But i'm using these words (quietly) simply for their "hurt value."  It's getting harder and harder to stop myself, and i'm only thankful that nobody has heard them yet.

I don't like what's happening here, but don't know how to reverse it without just quitting. And I can't afford to do that...

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Twiggy Crap Sex

Seven men in Whitby, Ontario were charged with having sex in a park. In a couple of days, I expect to see some sort of "discrimination" complaint against the police, and that's not right.

Illicit park-sex was a significant part of gay culture. Back when you could be jailed for your orientation, some gay men would marry women, live "the straight life," and sneak off to the playground to … well… to play. I can't imagine how hard a life that would have to be, to hide such an intrinsic part of ones self. But that's for a generation (or two) before mine.
In 2011, in Southern Ontario especially, there is no excuse for this. Get a hotel room and do whatever you like. Go to a bathhouse for $10. Whatever. There's no reason to still roll around in the twigs and dog crap. And don't forget to remove your used condoms if you do, because chances are the leftovers are what caused the complaints in the first place!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Opposing Forces

When I'm out sailing, I feel fantastic. There's an old saying that "a bad day on the water is better than a good day on land." And from what I've seen, I believe it. I'm picking up the sport quite quickly, and excelling by most accounts. I'm excited when fighting strong winds and big waves, and I'm relaxed when becalmed. So far I haven't experienced fear, but I'm sure it's on it's way. And it is a challenge that I'm somewhat looking forward to.

This weekend, I picked up my guitar and wrote a new song. I probably played it for 8-10 hours non-stop, developing and building the track. And I was elated. I loved every minute of the process - the inspiration, the creation, the mistakes and back-tracking…

Then I find myself back in my office. Biting my tongue, going for walks to calm my anger. At most 20% of my coworkers are worthy of any respect. The rest are useless dolts that are a drain on society. In my humble opinion. I actually hate these people.  Unfortunately, quite a few of the dolts are higher up the food-chain than I and can (and do) put me in stupid, frustrating, pointless positions. I'm looking for a new job, but until I find that I loathe half of my life at the moment.

As the days get worse while the evenings and weekends get better, I'm really noticing the disparity between the two. I really wish I could find a compromise, or a way to work my loves into a reasonable income...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

So Hard

It's hard not to drink when you spend your day surrounded by those you loathe.

It's also hard not to hit or kick them, or simply quit and walk out into unemployment...

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Dry Day Ten

It's been ten days since I had a drink.
For the most part, it's been pretty good. I'm still hanging around drinkers, and even mixing a few for other people. Just none for me.
But 5 or 6 times a day, I still think "goddammit, I need a drink."  The hot weather isn't helping - i pass so many patios on my way home each night...

It's not like when I quit smoking four years ago - at that point, I contemplated tearing off someone arm to suck the nicotine from their fingers. But I'm still craving an ice cold beer, or a G&T, or a gimlet, or even a glass of scotch (and I'm not a whisky drinker).  So far it's water, Pepsi, and i may start on Sprite soon.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


I quit drinking four days ago.
When I was a teenager, my father told me that I could do whatever I wanted in the evening as long as I still got up and did what needed to be done the next day. And I've always gone by that logic - as long as your responsibilities are covered, you're free to do what you like. And this weekend that failed. After getting abominably drunk on Friday night, I was too hungover to go to a friend's birthday on Saturday. That was the first time I've had to shirk my responsibilities because of booze. And it will be the last.

I've had some good support from the friends I've told. A couple had worries about my drinking, but didn't know how to address it. Only one has said "nah, you're not an alcoholic, you just need to cut down a little." And she's an alkie too, but hasn't accepted it.

Monday night OLK and I went to the theatre. Unfortunately it's right across from the Mill Street Brewery. It was a humid summery evening as we sat across the street from the brewery patio, OLK eating her gelato and me eyeing the full pitchers of ice-cold deliciousness… I admit, that was tougher than I had thought.

The sailing club last night was expected to be a tough experience. How do you compete with $2 beers and friendly companions? They were really accommodating, with only one person winking and saying "I can't even buy you ONE glass of wine? Even wine?" And I think she was joking. I drank 4 or 5 bottles of water instead of beer. And peed more than any other evening I can remember. But I didn't drink. The next couple of weeks will be tough, as there are sailing adventures with liquor-related completions, but I'm sure I'll get through.

This is NOTHING compared to quitting cigarettes, and that was over 4 years ago.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


I don't know if i've mentioned it, but my sailing club has extremely cheap beer.  It's actually cheaper to drink there than at home.  And since I'm at the club at least three nights a week, I'm drinking a lot.  A lot.
Last night was another drunkfest.  At around 3am, I went to the club bathroom and threw up all over the place.  For the next hour, friends force-fed me water inbetween my delving into the bathroom with a mop and bucket.  Then I got a cab home.
Once or twice a year, I get this drunk.  I embarass myself terribly, usually puke everywhere, and then decide to stop drinking until I get the volume under control. 
Then I start again, and the cycle restarts.  I drink cautiously for a couple of months.  Then I drink like a man who likes his booze.  Then I hit Hollywood-style.

I've looked it up online, and binge-drinking is definitely a form of alcoholism.  I don't need booze every day, but when I have it I have too much.  So I guess I'm an alcoholic.

And I'm about to stop.  I don't want OLK worrying about me like she has for the last few months.

Friday, August 5, 2011

The Nurse, by Wm. Shakespeare

Last night I went to Brampton to see OLK play Nurse in Romeo & Juliet.

I hate Brampton. I had to leave work and go straight to the commuter train - the same train that I took when I lived in BF-Nowhere with the Ex-Wife. The train was 20 minutes late, as usual, and this meant that it was "squished standing room only" for the hour-long ride. It was disconcerting to see commuters that I recognized from 5 years ago, sitting in the same seats, talking with the same people, probably about the same crap. Kinda like this blog…

When I got to Brampton, I had to quickly find a place to eat dinner in an unfamiliar town that has an obese populace but relatively few restaurants. I found a pub, wolfed down a 1/2 pint and BLD, and rushed back to the concrete park where the performance was about to start. It was outdoors, so I happily lit up a cigar and prepared to relax. 2 minutes later, an announcement was broadcast asking people not to smoke. I was not about to throw away my $10 cigar, so I simply moved away from the crowd. The ushers kept giving me dirty looks, but I think my tattoos kept them from actually confronting me.
The play itself was great. The actors were all quite good, but the atmosphere wasn't appropriate for live performance. Along with a sound engineer that didn't bother to activate the actors' microphones until they were in their 2nd or 3rd line of the scene, there was music blasting out of the pub near the stage. And lots of old people and children that didn't have the respect enough to sit quietly through a performance.

Still, it was nice to have an evening with OLK, and it's always a pleasure to see her act.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Civic Holiday Weekend

I just returned from a fantastic long weekend.

Two good friends of mine have a trailer at a campground, and I joined them for 3 days.

Friday afternoon, J and I drove up to the site, stopping for a disgusting lunch at Dairy Queen. I felt squidgy for a few hours, J's stomach problems lasted for 2 days.
We got to the trailer, grabbed a handful of beers and headed for the pool. It was a quiet night, early to bed.
Saturday was spent either reading in the shade, or swimming again. Saturday night we all headed to bed early again. J and I are usually the rowdy ones, but neither of us felt up to an evening of debauchery.
Sunday morning OLK drove up to spend the rest of the weekend with us. It was great to see her, and she even arrived early enough to enjoy the breakfast we set aside for her. More swimming, reading, and chatting with so many friends. As the afternoon wore on, we pulled out the 100-proof vodka for VODKA SLUSHIES! They went down fast and easy in the hot sun, and we got drunk quickly.
Monday was disappointing - we just packed up and headed home. OLK for a rehearsal, and me for pizza and TV.

A very good weekend.