Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Sociopath In The Making

Everyone complains about their job. But mine seems progressively worse and more disturbing.
I worry that I'm becoming something of a sociopath.

Last week, one of my coworkers died. I've known her for nearly a decade. And I really don't care. I wish I did, and it worries me that I don't, but to be completely honest, I don't.  I'm not going to her funeral because I don't feel like putting on a tie and blazer to sit in a church for an hour.
This morning, after having 2 arguments in my first half-hour of work, I fantasized about a plane ramming into my office floor. If everyone onsite right now disappeared, I have a feeling I'd be most upset about my personal effects.
I've also started mumbling racist epithets when people annoy me.  I don't believe in any sort of segregation or superiority, race has always been irrelevant to me.  But i'm using these words (quietly) simply for their "hurt value."  It's getting harder and harder to stop myself, and i'm only thankful that nobody has heard them yet.

I don't like what's happening here, but don't know how to reverse it without just quitting. And I can't afford to do that...


  1. Maybe you need to go talk to someone about how you feel. It might help. Or maybe go do some feel-good volunteer work, help someone who has a shitty life, get outside your own head a bit. I know from experience, too much time stuck in your own head while you're in a rut? Bad magumba.

    You're probably thinking to yourself "Dumb cunt, what do you know?"

    According to my husband, I know everything. So.

    P.S. OLK loves you, that's all that really matters.

  2. And there I was all frustrated because my workstation isn't at perfectly square angles.

  3. But seriously, if you were a sociopath, you wouldn't be questioning your lack of response. The news has us conditioned to overwrought responses (evidenced by the recent outpouring for Mr Layton) so that if we don't have such a response, we think there's something wrong with us. There isn't. She wasn't a big deal to you in life, so her death isn't a big deal to you. Whatevs. We all die in the end anyway. (Sorry, my inner nihilist jumped out.)

  4. It must be worse too coping with the normal stress when you've stopped drinking [but that's to be commended... just sayin' that the normal trick of reaching for a pint or two is gone] Also, I know you aren't racist, but I did wince reading that you are muttering nasty stuff. Dude, that's just not you. Since your escape to OLK and / or the water are outside of work, maybe do a little gym mania at lunch? Anyhow, HUGS.