Looking Towards The Night

I'm having a day full of stupid people.

I can't wait to get out of here at 5pm.  I'll be meeting Wife on a patio for a pint, before watching the new Ironman movie.
Then home to change the aquarium water, pack for the weekend, throw a load of laundry in the machine, and head to bed.

Still Alive

So my office has gone and blocked blogs, facebook, and most other "social media" websites.

Adding that to my general malaise these days, and i've got nothing more to say.  I'm getting into hibernation mode, the sun sets before I leave work and by 8pm i'm ready to crawl into bed.

I'll likely keep writing, but have no idea when.

Hasta Luego Amigos.

Write Mess

How is it that I can think all day, talk all day, and constantly post around 1/5 of the amount that I’d like to?

I’m starting to get lethargic.  I get home from work around 5 or 5:30, and want to do absolutely nothing until I go to bed.  I usually just end up in front of the TV, but really I don’t even want to do that.  It’s not even that I don’t have stuff to do.  I’ve got a job interview to prep for – it’s a couple of weeks away but there’s some planning involved.  I’ve got a couple of books on leadership & management styles that I want to get through.  I’ve even got SAILING books that I’m not reading.

I think it’s partially due to the early sunset now. I’m getting into hibernation mode.

Health-wise I’m back up to nearly 100%. 

I’m not getting my drivers license back for the foreseeable future, but that’s not TOO bad.  We live downtown, don’t own a car, and we don’t have children.  We rent a car for a weekend every couple of months, but that’s about it.  I guess Wife will have to drive from now on.  I could get it back if I followed the regimen of medication, but my neurologist agrees with my not taking pills.  They double or triple suicidal tendencies (and I’m already a risky one), have other nasty side effects, and I’d have to take them for around 15 years to qualify.  Not at all worth a possible license renewal in my mid 50s.

I can still sail, I can still ride my bicycle, I can still be a chauffeur-driven passenger.  I’ll get by.

Tuesday

I’m back at work today.  I really don't want to be here, but I can’t afford to stay home without pay.  Plus, my neck is now at around 90%.  And I brought my neck brace to work, in case I need it.

While I don’t particularly like my walk to work, this morning was interesting.  I saw a transport truck (18-wheeler for you country types) going the wrong way down one-way Richmond St, while the driver talked into his phone.  About 3 seconds later a couple of police cars confronted him, lights flashing.  I hope they charge him with everything they can – a truck must be 10 times as dangerous as a car…

Also on the weekend, I bought more fish for my aquarium.  Now along with the 6 Dwarf Spotted Danios, I’ve got 4 Peppered Cory Cats.  They’re pretty spastic and never stop moving or playing.  It was funny to watch the Danios, who had the tank to themselves for a month, get used to the newcomers.  They went from uncharacteristically wandering around the aquarium as they were alone, to schooling – roaming the tank as a gang.  There’s no aggression, but you can see confusion as one Danio will try to play with a Cory and then realize that it’s not his kin and rush away back to the group.  And with all the extra motion in the tank, the cats have started to watch.  That appeals to my sick “coliseum” tendencies.

I'm really enjoying these fish, but it's still a surprise interest for me.

Monday AGAIN?

Yup, another week just FLEW by.

I’ve been looking up on options for my aquarium.  I’m a geek like that.  I’m heading to the pet store tonight to buy a half-dozen Zebra Danios.  These are the first of 4 types I plan to include (3 have already been chosen), and the most appropriate for cycling a fish tank.

This weekend Wife and I went to London for my niece’s 3^rd birthday.  We headed over on Saturday afternoon, did a bit of shopping, then spent the evening with a couple of friends that moved there from Toronto.  Great dinner, great wine, great conversation.  Sunday morning we headed over to the in-laws’ house for the party.  Again, it was another fun day.  I got to see my niece for a while, and hold my brand-new nephew. 

Wife and I had an interesting conversation on the way home, about “relationship status.”  Specifically that these 2 kids will NEVER remember a life without me.  Wife’s cousin’s children might remember me not being there, they were very young when I joined the picture.  And obviously my grownup in-laws remember Life Before Dickeybird, but for these kids I’m a fully qualified member of the clan.

While shopping in London, I also picked up a “Teach Yourself French” CD course.  I’ll need a bit of fluency when I head to the Caribbean in February, and it certainly can’t hurt my resume to re-learn that language forced on me in grade school and ignored/forgotten for 20 years.

Return to the Good Habit

I went to the gym today for the first time in two weeks.

I’ve been really lazy and worn out, so I’ve been skipping the usually-tedious routine.  Also, a friend died a week ago, and friends, coworkers, and I have had a tough time with it.

So I got off my fattening butt and went for a 30 minute run.  And DAMN I feel good.  I’m energized, re-showered, and back at my desk pretending to work.  And smiling.  I should probably stop that before the boss gets suspicious.

Behaving Alone

Last night was good, and relatively well-behaved.

Sailing ended early as there was no wind.  We were all tired of bobbing in the middle of Toronto Harbour.  That meant that dinner and drinks started early. There were also a bunch of us together that have booked a Caribbean sailboat charter in the winter.  We went over broad details and suggestions.  None of us like to cook, so that might be an issue.  We’ll have to see if we can pay locals to run McDonalds take-aways out to us in their dingys.

Luckily I decided to leave the club early, there’s always the danger of looking at my watch and realizing that “it’s only 11pm – I can stick around for a few more!”  Then I stagger home in the middle of the night stinking drunk.

So I left early, came home, and went straight to bed.  As a good boy should.  What about tonight?  I’ll tell ya later.

Last Night I Killed A Man

Last night I dreamt that I killed a friend from my past.

Tyrone (in reality) was a good friend until I came out, then literally turned his back on me.  No loss, I haven’t missed him for a moment in the last 15 years.

Tyrone (in dreamland) was at a party I was throwing.  I’m not sure how I killed him, but he was in the kitchen making a drink when I realized there were no witnesses around.  So I did whatever I did, and stuffed his corpse into the pantry.

Trying to dispose of the body was complicated.  I tried shoving him out the window into the compost bin, but he was too bulky and heavy.  I tried chopping him into bits and walking him out in shopping bags, but I buy crap kitchen knives – they were too dull.

After that, escape seemed to occupy the time.  How could I get away?  When was the last time anyone saw him?  My answer was going to be that he’d wandered away from the party plastered, after I wouldn’t let him drive home drunk.  What, he didn’t turn up at home?  “Gosh officer, I have no idea what could have happened.”  There was a lot of time spent in the dream performing risk assessments.  If I do this, how can I explain it?  If I say this, how can it be countered?  The more I investigated, the clearer my answers and alibis would be.

Funny, morality never entered my mind.

At one point, I woke up to get a blanket.  I told Wife that I’d dreamt of killing someone.  She casually mumbled something like “don’t do that honey.”  Gotta love a woman that doesn’t judge!

Coulda Been A Drifter

As you know, last year I started sailing.  This has become a time-intensive obsession, covering at least 3 nights per week, from April to October.  That’s not counting the courses, studying, reading, that happens outside of that 7-month sailing season.  Really, it’s all I ever want to do.  Every day, every weekend: sail, sail, sail.

The other day, I was wondering how my life would be different if I’d discovered this sport 20 years ago.

20 years ago I was living in Hometown and anxious to get out.  I was living with an awful woman who I was trying to break up with (every time I tried, she threatened to kill herself.  I had to finally tell her “do what you’re going to do.”).  I had a crappy full-time job making minimum wage on the midnight shift at a gas station.  I had no money, 3 or 4 close loyal friends, and a family that loved me but we couldn’t live together.

20 years later I’m nearly 40.  I live in a great city and love it here 6 months of the year.  Non-sailing season sucks, it’s too cold.  I’m living with an amazing wife who I am trying to retain for the rest of our lives.  I have a crappy full-time job making good wage during the sunlight.  I have almost no money, 6 or 7 close loyal friends, and a family that loves me but we can’t live together.

I have built my life for me.  I love Wife and couldn’t bear to work away from her for extended periods, the type of thing you’d need to do with a maritime career. 

But if I’d discovered sailing in 1992, things could have been very different.  I lived in a town that actually has a decent yachting community where I could have learned the basics.  I could have gotten a formal education after that, obtaining all the Yacht-master and Captain’s licensing (etc etc etc) probably by the time I was 30.  I could have then taken a low-paying job delivering and sailing yachts around the world.  Avoiding cold winters, living on the sea.  Literally a Drifter I suppose, but an employed one.  I could have made a life around this surprise fascination.

I do feel like there’s too much of a cost to do it now.  I’d have to spend far too much time away from Wife, I’d have to really dig into professional-grade sailing courses for any chance at a low-paying-but-pleasant job, I’d have to give up the “treats” in my life – the holidays, the expensive clothes, the guitars…  And I’d probably be pushing 50 years old before I could actually be qualified for a proper position.

I don’t regret my life - in any other path I’d have not met Wife.  And any life with her is better than any life without her.  But one never knows what one misses out on – I’d probably not have known what life would be like with her, so I’d probably not feel anything lacking.

I wonder…

Blargh

I’m in a bitchy mood today and don’t know why.

I had a good evening last night, got home early(ish).  Had a full night’s sleep.  No stresses today….

I’m underwhelmed today, and bored.  I have lots of energy, even after a 45-minute run at the gym.

Blah.  BLAH.  BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!

Hasta Manana.

A Blaze Of Blase

It’s a strange time at work. 
I’ve started my new job, given up my old one, but my new projects don’t start for a few weeks.  I’m currently doing some ridiculous online training – “Business Writing Skills,” where I’m being told about using past- and present tenses in the appropriate places.  Seriously.  Last week I took one course that informed me what prefixes and suffixes were.  This position is a white-collar job requiring a university degree.  And I’m being re-taught Grade 4 grammar.

I was bitching about it last night to a friend, and she pointed out that I’m paid quite well.  And right now I’m paid quite well to do virtually nothing.  She’s right, it’s just an unusual mindset for me – I’m used to working frantically to cover too many tasks.  Free time is weird.

Last night was also sailboat racing, as well as work-bitching.  Our team is getting better, finally.  Thankfully.  We’re one of the more inexperienced crews, and have made it to the middle of the pack.  I suggested that our captain be a little more assertive – we need to hear ONE voice, not FOUR all believing they’re right.  He agreed, he’s normally quite pushy but doesn’t want to become the aggressive guy we sailed with last year (he was NOT popular).

I’m not going to bother going to the gym today, I just don’t feel like it.  Think I’ll head downstairs for a pint instead.

Evenings Past

Sorry, I’ve been busy again.

After Monday’s post, my father (who doesn’t know about this blog) phoned to apologize for his behavior on Saturday.  I’m not quite sure what he misunderstood, but apparently there was something. It might have been the first time he’s ever apologized to me for anything.  So I’m not angry with him, but still don’t know when I’ll have another chance to return to Hometown.

Last night I had planned to go sailing.  However, a friend needed some support so I tended to that instead.  It would have been a great sail, but having a couple of pints and a long chat with a good friend more than beat the boat.  He pointed out that he’d needed the company more than he had expected, so I was even more happy to help.  Then I went home and instantly fell asleep.

Tonight I’ll be sailing.  The wind looks slightly lower than awesome, but still hopefully fun.  The waves will probably be sedate.  And my team has a plan.  We will do well tonight.  We might not win, but we’ll climb out of our standard range.

The Weekend Ahead, Visiting the Family

Sorry for the lack of blogging lately.  I’ve been swamped with my new job, trying to gracefully exit my old one,  rehearse with my part-time band, sail, and possibly spend an hour or two with Wife.

That’s my plan for tonight.  If she doesn’t know how special she is, I’m skipping sailing in the beautiful weather, and a beer ‘n’ bbq on the patio afterwards, to spend the evening at home with her.

Tomorrow I’m renting a car and driving out to see my family for the weekend.  Other than the hour I spent in Hometown back in March when I returned his spare car, I haven’t seen my father since my mum’s funeral in February.  I just haven’t had any time.  This weekend I have time.  I think he’s getting lonely.  He doesn’t have many friends, social groups are tough for him because of his speech and mobility issues, and I think he just spends a lot of time sitting in front of the TV.  He sounded really happy that I was coming to visit, and VERY excited when I suggested that I meet him at an amateur rugby game that he attends.

Then I’ll see Wife again on Sunday night (if she’s not working).

Looking Up

Yesterday I had trouble sleeping, so I took the day off work.

It ended up being a good “mental health day,” sleeping in, having brunch with a good friend on a sunny patio, and heading out to race sailboats during a “small craft warning.”

I also got an email yesterday telling me that my job has been transferred.   I start my new position on Monday.  Out of the half-dozen in my current group, I think mine is the only positive change.  I’ll have new challenges that I’ve been looking to address for a while, and the things I hate about my current position will be reallocated to others.  The new job will be more strict, I won’t get 2-hour pub lunches, I’ll have to arrive and leave at pre-set times as opposed to my current flexible schedule.  But hopefully the benefits will outweigh the negative.

We’ll see.

Dickey's Out Of Office Message

Today is my last workday until May 28.

Since February, my life has been a whirlwind.  I had 2 fantastic weeks sailing in the Virgin Islands.  3 days after returning, my mother passed away.  The day after her funeral I had to start rehearsing for a handful of St. Patrick’s Day shows.  The day after St. Patrick’s Day I had to start moving to our new house.  Things have been steamrolling and steamrolling, and next week was the first block of time available for vacation.

I’m going sailing for the weekend, and after that plan on finishing our basement while drinking lots of beer and smoking lots of cigars.  Basically just enjoying myself.

And today, I’m so burned out that enduring the next 6 hours is all I can think about.

I don’t know if I’ll be blogging next week, we’ll just have to see how it goes.  Have a great long weekend!

Street-Side Entertainment, Shuter-style

The other day I was biking home from work.  It was around 5pm, and I was on Shuter St near Sherbourne.

There was a brunette leaning against the road-side of a parked car.  She had short black hair, and an even shorter glittery silver dress.  4-inch high heels, and what (at a glance) looked like track-marks and bruises all up her legs.  She was shouting at the drivers passing her by.  As I got closer, I could hear what she was saying:

“F**K YOU!  I’m not that expensive!  I still haven’t gotten any work today!  F**K YOU!”

Sometimes I love this city.  Where else would you get to enjoy this street-side entertainment?

Quick Update

Last night I went to some friends’ house for dinner and drinks, while Wife was working.

It was only a 4-minute walk from our house, which was nice.  Still, I got a lot of funny looks when walking with a bottle of wine – I forgot to put it in a bag.  It was a good time, 2 bottles of wine, lots of gossip, and I chose my bike and worked out the features.  Hopefully I’ll have it early next week.

They also found a couple of tumors in my friend’s brain.  He’s having a biopsy tomorrow, but the oncologist is pretty optimistic.  I’m heading over there tonight, to keep them company.

Sorry for the short update – I’m trying to get back to doing this daily, 5 times a week, but things are a bit hectic at the moment.

It’s Just Not Working Out

Last week I was really worn out.  I went to the gym once in the five workdays.

Monday I was busy and couldn’t make it.

Tuesday I had a last-minute lunch meeting.  I also had a fat beefy/beer dinner last night at a local pub with friends.

Today I’m going to a pub lunch with another old friend.

Thursday I have a lunch meeting.

Friday I may go to the gym.

I’m not doing myself any favours here – I had abs briefly, but I can already see the definition disappearing…

Boat Friday

Sailing season is starting soon, and I’m getting excited.

Tomorrow I’m going down to the club to step the masts and tune the rigging, as the sailboats were splashed into the water this week. It’ll be good to see those sailing friends again, as well as learn how to set the boats up. I missed it last year as I didn’t take my introductory course until May. Then, sailing season starts in a week!

If I haven’t mentioned it before, I’m a big fan of Nordhavn yachts. They’re ocean-crossing motorboats, and one of only 3 or 4 brands that are strong and stable enough to do this. Luxurious and tough, they appear to be a beautiful (if slow) way to travel the world. Unfortunately this quality comes at a price – their cheapest model, bought new, is around a million dollars.

I’ve never even seen one of these boats in person, but have been fascinated by them for a few years now. The other day, I was invited to crew on one that’s being moved from Lake Superior down to the Caribbean Sea. The owner is looking for a couple of bodies to stand watch for the Great Lakes/ St. Lawrence River segment of the journey, and through our internet networking I was asked to take part.  Two weeks of living onboard a luxury yacht, piloting it for 1/3 of the time? Sounds exciting!

Unfortunately flying into where the boat is now is quite costly. More than I can afford. The train back home afterwards is a drop in the bucket, but the flight into the USA is the deal-breaker. To be honest, after a year of sailboating, where you’re constantly trimming the sails and steering, pushing ‘Go’ on the autopilot and half-heartedly keeping an eye out for water traffic doesn’t seem particularly exciting. I’m actually worried that I’d be bored after a day or two. I reluctantly turned down the offer, it’ll have to remain a “what-if” for now.

Note:  The boat in this photo, Honu Kai, is not the one i was asked to crew, but the same model.  This one is for sale, asking price $1.2 million (used).  Photos can be found here, feel free to drool.

Maintenance

Last night I got home from work at 5pm, ate a container of leftovers, and went to sleep. I woke up for an hour at around 10pm, then went to bed and slept until the alarm clock woke me up this morning. And I almost never sleep through the night…

I’m still exhausted from the last 2 months of frantically-paced life. I think I’ve had 2 days to relax in that time, and it’s wearing me down. I’ve managed to book a week off work, but May 21-25 is the first available time. I'm not going to do anything.  No work work, no housework, no nothing.  Hopefully my evenings and weekends can be emptied to tide me over until then, or I’m afraid I’ll have a stroke.

Today I feel good though. I’m awake, on my 2nd coffee (at 8:25am), and in a reasonable mood. I’m going to try to maintain that.